First Month

Tek was born a month ago today. I look back at that month and wonder what happened to it. It is just a blur to me. I know we went to the doctor several times.  Tek was circumcised.  Sadly, we attended the funeral of his pediatrician.  Joyously, we attended birthday parties for two cousins.  But what memories do I really have of my little one’s first days of life? Mostly, I look back in regret and sadness over a month lost.

I’ve discovered having two babies is much more challenging than I ever imagined. I especially struggle during the 4-5 hours at night when E is at school. On more than one occasion, as both boys have screamed and cried, I have broken down as well, crying and saying: “It’s too difficult. I can’t do it.”

Turk has always been such a sweet and delightful child. He hasn’t lost the charm, but he’s also developed a tendency to throw tantrums in the last month. I know he doesn’t understand what’s happened to his life. He doesn’t understand why another child has moved into his house and taken his parents’ attention. As a result, Turk wants to be held all the time. He’ll do anything for attention, including behaving badly. Many times, when I’ve been distracted with the baby or cooking, he’s deliberately dumped the cat food or his milk, knowing it will get Mommy’s attention—even if it is angry attention.  I wish I spent more time enjoying Turk and less time yelling at him to stop.

Tek is generally quiet and only cries when he wants to eat. Sadly, that means he spends a lot of time in his bouncy chair while his parents tend to Turk or other things like work and school. He hasn’t been held and doted on the way he deserves. He isn’t the center of the universe, and I regret this so much.  In some ways, I look at him and feel I don't know him at all.  Who is he?  What is his character?

Meanwhile, I’ve put in about 60 hours of work the last month. It’s 100 hours less than working full-time, but 60 hours more than I should have worked at all. I worried about my new job and tried not to alienate people there to the detriment of my children. I mourn for both my babies who don’t get the focus and attention they deserve. I worry that I’ve robbed them of their childhoods and maybe damaged them irrevocably.

So why am I writing this? I know there are millions of working moms and/or moms with multiple children around the world who must have the same feelings, but I wanted to acknowledge the problem and to commit publically to enjoying Tek’s second month of life.